The competition

On the occasion of our 18 year anniversary coming up on Monday, I'm reflecting on the competition, the women who almost beat me out for Bob's attention so long ago. To name a few of them: Ginger, Mary Ann, the Mandrell Sisters, Bobby Jo, Billy Jo, and Betty Jo. There's more.

Sorry, ladies, I won.

Quite honestly, I truly could not even begin to compete with the women who I was up against, so it was pure grace that got me where I am today. And pure love, mercy, and kindness that got both of us to 18 years. We're two people who got lucky together. Blessed beyond belief.

Also, on the occasion of our anniversary, I'm posting my senior reading, some excerpts from my forthcoming memoir (super, super forthcoming) about Bob's liver failure. It was a time when I felt competition from another strange source. (Heads up for the bizarre alert.)

I'm ever so grateful to Bob for his willingness to be the subject of my writing, and the object of my life. Not something that just any man could do. And mostly, I'm grateful to Bob and our shared circle of love, how I plan to dedicate the book (if it ever gets to that point).

With love, T

Patching up the bleeding heart

Continuing on my long road of a bleeding heart career path, I'm pleased to introduce you to my new employer as of Monday, Children & Families of Iowa. We have a deal: I write grants for them, they help me and my family be together, stay healthy, live in a house, and go on vacations. Plus, I get to sleep better at night because I have this thing about always worrying about the sorry state of the world and my place in it. For example, I can't get images of Syrian children being shot in the knees, intentionally, by the Syrian army, many who are defecting for reasons such as this, out of my mind. Yet what can I really do about that? The answer, I think, lies in a twist on that Crosby, Stills, and Nash song: If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

Constant fretting about suffering children is pretty much a recipe for insanity. Maybe that's why I'm predisposed to searching the nonprofit sector for paying work. It seems like double dipping, possibly make a difference and pay your bills. (Although, trust me, I'm not at all suggesting that the nonprofit sector is any kind of utopia. I wish it didn't exist. I wish we lived in a way that bleeding heart organizations  were unnecessary and their accompanying egos and politics were moot.)

Yet, These days, simply being able to pay your bills is something for which to be enormously grateful. And that I am.

To get an idea of what CFI does, check out the cover article of a recent newsletter: "CFI Family Therapist Helps Mother Deal with Daughter's Rape."  I don't have any kind of profound comment for that except: more please.

Forever and always, my news of fresh employment comes with deepest gratitude to all of you who have helped me along the way, and there are many of you, including so many good folks at MovetheFood and the Des Moines Area Religious Council. What I really wish is that none of us had to work, and we could all simply live in creative community, making things such as sculptures and essays and children and cocktails. Until that happens, forever and always, I am committed to doing what I can to help others resolve issues of employment, unemployment, underemployment, and unhappy employment. A note for the arrogantly employed, you're not my audience.

I'd like to start right here by offering this resource of a life coach, from a wise and wonderful former colleague and friend. She does most of her coaching long distance, via phone or skype. If you are trying to find what makes your heart bleed, what makes you sleep at night, what kind of deal can you strike to pay your bills, maybe my friend can help you sort some things out.

With love, T

Not good for peaceful sleeping

Has anyone out there read the classic novel, "The Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood?

Last night, page 89, I was ready to hang it up for all the bleakness. There are some grisly scenes involving giant meat hooks, and I'm not one to be entertained by impaling human flesh with anything. Think: the Taliban joins forces with Focus on the Family and creates a society kept in check by teenage boys with big guns. I believe I had nightmares.

The setting is futuristic where environmental degradation has created a world in which most women are infertile for all the poisoning and pollution (and certainly men are infertile too, but it's illegal to call men infertile, it's always the women's fertility at issue), so most women are "unwomen" and most babies are "unbabies." The women who by chance do carry working ovaries have the option of becoming a Handmaid, a role of sexual slavery, bearing children for upper class military families, submitting to strange rituals in conception and birth so that the Wife-class of women receive the babies as their own.

And whoa bessy, can Margaret Atwood concoct strange rituals. Although in the author's notes she insists that everything she put in the book is based on truths from different times and places.

So this morning, page 93 brings on "the ceremony," what this society calls the process of conception, for lack of a better phrase. Bizarre. Later the reader finds that the birthing process is equally strange. I'll let you read for yourself the details but I'll say that it's three mostly clothed human beings, united in a most peculiar way. The most opposite of intimacy you could possibly get, which is actually the point of the entire society, to ban human interaction on pretty much all levels.

It's strange, alright, but I couldn't stop reading. And now, on page 163, the reader discovers what the Commander of the house wants most, what is most contraband, what is most forbidden, what is most lacking. I won't give away any spoilers here, in case you haven't yet read the book, but I will say it's pretty surprising. Margaret Atwood is genius.

I'll close with this review from the Washington Post Book World: "A novel that brilliantly illuminates some of the darker interconnections between politics and sex...Just as the world of Orwell's '1984' gripped our imaginations, so with the world of Atwood's handmaid!"

At page 163 the reader still doesn't know what happens to unwomen and unbabies. This reader isn't sure she wants to know. This is another book that I'll probably never watch the movie rendition. Too visually graphic for my taste. But a real page turner, although I've decided to only read it during daylight hours. "The Handmaid's Tale" does not make for peaceful sleeping.

Your thoughts?

On May 4 we welcome Dr. Mary Hess right *here*

Dr. Mary Hess explores
religion and media on many levels,
for example, check out
 her treatment of  the Trayvon Martin case.

I'm thrilled to announce that on May 4 The Snake Charmer's Wife will participate in a blog tour featuring the incredible Dr. Mary Hess, Associate Professor of Educational Leadership at Luther Seminary, St. Paul, Minn. 

This is how it will work: I've been invited to submit questions on religion and media based on Snake Charmer readers' interest. Mary will respond, I'll post here, and then throughout the day on May 4, you are invited to comment and Mary will continue respond to your comments.

Got it? Ok, so here are the questions I submitted:

1.) How can churches protect and encourage GBLTQ youth?
In Iowa, tragically, we just buried another young man who committed suicide because of bullying after he came out gay. This boy happened to be a member of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, the denomination I share with many SCW readers (though not all). Many people in my congregation, St. John's Lutheran Church in Des Moines, are concerned for the spiritual and physical protection of GBLTQ youth. What are your recommendations for steps churches can take in keeping these kids safe and loved, especially in the face of hate messages from other Christian sources?


2.)What do you make of theYouTube video: "Why I hate religion but love Jesus"? 
A young man, Jefferson Bethke, created this video arguing that "Jesus and religion are on opposite spectrums," when people don't practice what they preach. The video, titled "Why I Hate Religion But Love Jesus," had already surpassed 2 million views just two days after it was posted on Jan. 10. And the controversial topic generated an onslaught of more than 30,000 conflicting reactions in the video's comments section, according to the Huffington Post. What's the take-away for faith communities?


3.) Tied up in these two questions is a conversation around why the dominant voice of Christianity seems to be such an extremest one. Is this just my perception? How can we put out there the loving/welcoming face of the church as opposed to "Do as we say or you're going to hell"? 

4.) Exploring the intersection of religion and media in terms of the "religious right" and the "religious left." Radio and television helped give rise to the religious right. In today's media landscape, younger people--who are wary of religious institutions and generally regarded as more liberal in their religious beliefs ("left")--are more likely to lean toward new media technologies and have those influence or reinforce what they think and believe. So is being on the religious left or right becoming increasingly influenced by how one engages various media, and therefore, is there a generational divide, and will that divide increase or decrease over time?


If there's yet another topic you'd like addressed on May 4, let me know. Meanwhile, be sure to check out Mary's powerful blog, Tensegrities.

Mary Hess Bio: 
Mary Hess is Associate Professor of Educational Leadership at Luther Seminary in St. Paul, Minnesota. Since 2003 she has written the blog Tensegrities(www.religioused.org/tensegrities/). A Roman Catholic Layperson with eclectic interests, Hess received her B.A. in American Studies from Yale University; her M.T.S. is from Harvard University; and her Ph.D. is from Boston College. She served as a core member of the International Study Commission on Media, Religion and Culture. She serves on the editorial board of Journal of Media and Religion, Religious Education and Religion and Education in the Public Sphere. Visitwww2.luthersem.edu/mhess/web/Home.html to learn more about her publications and teaching.


Cheers, Terri

When stupid mistakes bring gloating and glee.

As I approach another job transition I'm tempted to gloat. 

I'm tempted to gloat about the newness, the movement forward, the change, the challenge, the increase in vacation time, the training, and yes, the upgrade in pay. Oh alright, I am gloating. I'm gloating with giddy glee. I'm gloating like a silly girl who got a new doll. I got a new job! I’m gloating, gloating, gloating!

But I keep my gloating to myself (notwithstanding The Snake Charmer’s Wife dot com) because I can't help but to think of all the stupid mistakes I've made along my long and illustrious so-called career path. I have so many professional blunders that I could blog one per day and fill a whole year's worth of material. More than a year. I could name and number each mistake without hardly thinking at all. At least ten gaffes in my occupational history come to mind at this very moment.

There’s a part of me that wishes I could help others not make the same mistakes. But the reality is that most people already don’t do the things I did. Most people have far more grace and style than I, and at a way younger age.

Maybe one day when I learn how to be a more honest writer, I’ll list my numerous job-based idiotic actions and make it all right with the universe. One day this list will be more funny than weird. I’m not there yet. I’d rather just forget about it. The past is the past. Although I do recommend this book that I annotated earlier, a book that successfully makes weird job situations hilarious. That's where I want to go with the list that's building in my brain. 

For now, I’ll just say that I’ve been deeply humbled by unemployment. And my heart aches for those who are unemployed, under-employed, or unsatisfied in their work. I’m stumped at how often I see an inverse relationship between a person’s professional talent and their employment status. I wish I could wave a wand and make it right.

I’ll also say that I believe job coaches when they advise you to network, network, network. The new job which I am presently gloating about is a result of a coffee conversation I had about two and a half years ago. Networking has the cache of being self-centered, tricky, or only for extroverts. But I’ve come to believe it’s none of those things. The great thing about networking is that you can and should let the others do the talking. (Which is the basis of many of my afore mentioned career blunders.) Networking is about listening and being interested in what other people have to say. It’s not about tooting your own horn. It’s about living your life as a decent human being. Going to church is networking, even if you don’t say a dang word to anyone. Seriously. Volunteering at your kids’ school events is networking. Helping others is networking. Taking someone to lunch, joining a group, organizing a food drive, accepting a job you might not really want – it’s all networking. Happy hour is networking! Just showing up is networking. Networking is about reaching out to others and letting others help you. I'm convinced that’s the only way we are going to get out of this recession.

My career suggestions are dumber than my career blunders, so I’ll just stop right there.

More than gloating, as I approach this transition I hold an enormous sense of gratitude for all the people who gave me chances, and for those continue to dish up opportunities in spite of my many, many mistakes. I’m living proof that we don’t get what we deserve. We get better.

If you are looking for a job, a new job, a better job, a different job, I'm wishing for all the blessings of joy and prosperity and compassion and purpose to rain down upon you.

With love, T

Doubting mother. Expecting teens. Accidental devotion.

I'm grateful to LivingLutheran.com for posting my blog post on our funny little tucking-in ritual (and thanks to everyone who posted kind comments to my facebook page xoxox):


When it comes to forming family rituals, there’s one and only one that has worked out for us — Bob, the kids and me. It’s not a ritual we planned. And to be honest, it’s not one I would have chosen. The strongest tradition in our family system came to us by accident.  


You see, we are not big on creating domestic routines, although I always wanted us to be. I used to imagine fun weekly movie nights, rich annual Christmas festivities, and sweeping memories arranged in an artsy scrapbook. I longed for strong traditions that I saw my friends create for their families, imprinting love and togetherness through interesting customs and contained recollections.  Read more.

Thanks for coming over to the Charmer blog!


With love, T